


Piece by Piece

by Killermanatee



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Emotional Support, Established Relationship, Eternal Tide, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Oral Sex, Romance, Sleeping Together, Spooning, Voyager Relaunch, relaunch novels, sex with feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2019-02-07 02:16:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12831174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killermanatee/pseuds/Killermanatee
Summary: Set at the end of "Eternal Tide". I tried to fill in the blanks.Rated T for chapters 1-3 and E for chapter 4 only.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This goes out to my book clubbers. You guys are the best and without you this wouldn't exist. Thank you all so much!  
> Special thanks to Ariella884 for making the request and helping me figure out the plot.  
> To Helen8462 who did a phenomenal job helping me with the timeline and for once more being beta-extraordinaire.  
> And of course to Klugtiger for being my partner in crime.

I’m staring at her and I’m aware that it’s unprofessional, that I should pay attention to everyone at the conference table. That after everything we have been through in the past months, the damn near end of the entire multiverse just a few hours ago, she shouldn’t be my sole focus. But I can’t help it.  Because she is just sitting there, in charge of the briefing like she has been a thousand times. I want to say it’s as if she never left but of course she did. And all of us left behind had to learn to make do without her and once we finally did she came back, showing us how absurd that notion was in the first place. I am clearly too emotional to make sense of everything that has happened just yet.

We discuss our options, evaluating reports from all sections of the ship. It becomes clear pretty quickly that Voyager must stay here to make sure all traces of Omega have vanished and that the sacrifices made by Eden and Q were not in vain. The thought crosses my mind that I should be on that list. It’s ironic how my death changed nothing and yet I was brought back when so many others were not.

I died.

Strangely it wasn’t the first time and I wish I knew what that says about our line of work. I do know that I was not supposed to be here right now. Yet the thought doesn’t scare me. Instead it fills me with a sense of serenity. I should probably talk to Hugh about this. I should probably plan on talking to Hugh about a lot of things.

Kathryn takes a deep breath and snaps me out of my thoughts.

“Well, I am not here in any official capacity but thank you all for your hard work,” she says.  “The next days should give us a chance to recuperate as we check our sensors. I think we all need the time to make sense of what has happened.” She looks at everyone but me, then nods and smiles. “Dismissed.”

Tom clears his throat. “Admiral, I think I speak for everyone here when I say that you won’t ever need an official mandate to have all of our full support.” Everyone at the table nods in agreement and B’Elanna actually seems teary-eyed before she turns away, blinking rapidly. Tom speaks up again.  “I think I am not just speaking for myself but for all of us when I say that there are no fitting words to express how much it means to have you back here. Without you, this ship – our lives - have been incomplete.”

I watch Kathryn raise a hand to her lips, moisture shining at the corners of her eyes as they all get off their chairs to come up to her. Over the past few hours many hugs have been exchanged, tears have been shed but right now there are smiles on all of their faces and it truly shows me what a miracle Kathryn’s return has been. I don’t care about what her coming back to life means to the galaxy, or the whole multiverse but to us in this room it is everything.

Her face is a mixture of happiness and surprise at their words and I marvel at her from my seat as she exchanges small moments with everyone. How she can be such a strong leader while remaining humbled by their appreciation is something I may never understand.

Finally, one by one, they leave the room. And once the door closes for the last time she falls back onto the chair next to mine, sighing heavily.

“I…” she stops and rubs her hands over her face. “I really don’t even know what to say.”

Finally she looks up at me.  Her hands are in her lap. Her eyes may be reddened and her cheeks flushed, but I’m overcome with how much I have missed her, how long it has been since she was a constant in my life. It seems like a lifetime and a millisecond all at once.  

I take one of her hands, rubbing my thumb over her delicate fingers before I press them to my lips. “You don’t have to say anything. If you need to we can talk, but I’m fine being quiet for a while.”

In the silence of the room we both look down at our joined hands, now resting on the table. I am struck by how much smaller and more elegant her fingers seem in comparison to mine. I know the strength they have to fire a phaser, to hold her own in a fight and yet how gently they have touched me so many times. Her skin is smooth and slightly cool against mine and my hand seems so brute in comparison. I wonder if it’s an analogy for who we are. How delicate she is and how rough I am. Maybe I just notice that contrast more now that I have lost her. Maybe that is the reason she suddenly appears fragile.

When I look up our eyes meet and she asks me, “What do we do now?”

I wish I knew how to answer her. But I don’t, so instead I lean forward and press my lips to hers. I need this confirmation of us, of what we promised each other. That we’re still there at the end of this day.

When I straighten again, we’re both smiling.

I place my hand on her cheek and cherish how she leans into it.

\---

It is a quiet and short trip to my quarters. We walk next to each other, close, but not touching. For once I am taking the lead and for once I don’t worry about doing so. Finally, we step through the doors and the moment they close I wrap my arms around her. We mold into each other and it brings a flutter to my heart as well as warmth to my core.

We stay like this for a while. Taking deep breaths, pressed to each other as close as possible. It is surreal that I get to hold her when a day ago it was set in stone I would go through life alone.  The void she had left behind has been filled so suddenly, and with such intensity, I find it hard to maintain my grasp on reality. Maybe this has all been a little more than a human mind can be expected to handle.

I lean back, cup her face, wanting to never forget this moment, those beautiful features of hers, smiling at me. I bend down to kiss her. I’ve lost track how many times we’ve done this today. But right now there are finally no fears, no pain, no imminent threat. It’s just us.

Her lips are warm and soft against mine, her hands move over my back and finally in the security of my quarters I allow my tongue to sweep over her lips. It’s like a jolt of electricity when they part. We’re both moving slowly, taking our time. My hands glide into her hair, the proximity to her anchoring me. We’re both still guarded, too wound up to give in. 

I pull back and savor this feeling of her warm skin against my lips, the feel of her cheeks, her chin, her nose. I want to show her just how much I have missed her even though I’m not sure she’ll ever understand the magnitude of it.

I leave a final kiss on her forehead before I pull her back into the hug.

Her voice is muffled against my chest when she speaks. “Don’t leave me like that again.”

I don’t need to ask what she is referring to. Her sobs after Q returned me to the bridge still tear at my heart and I wish I could promise her that neither of us will cause the other anguish again, but I can’t and I know she doesn’t expect me to. So instead I just hold her tight.

\---

When we move to the couch she easily slides in next to me, tucked under my arm as if we’ve done this a million times.  

She props up her feet on the coffee table. “I wish I knew where to go from here. There just isn’t much advice on what to do when you return from the dead.”

I chuckle. “What a strange universe we live in where that is a problem to solve.”

She glances up at me. “A strange universe indeed.” She falls silent again, clearly lost in thought, like I’ve seen her for most of the day. There is certainly enough to occupy both of our minds.

She closes her eyes when she speaks up again. “I don’t even know where to start. I need to contact my mother, and Phoebe. I’m not sure what I am supposed to say but I need to tell them myself and I need to tell them first. I have to contact Tuvok. Mark and Carla. I have to inform Starfleet. They have to know what happened here. All of it. We have to analyze the scans to make sure Omega is really gone, we have to discuss the state of the Q continuum. The list just keeps getting longer.”

I take her hand into mine, entwining our fingers and rest them on my thigh. “You don’t need to do any of this by yourself. I will support you every step. And I will write the report and brief command. I was the highest ranking officer after Afsarah and as such it’s my responsibility.”

“Until my return. The events of the past twenty-four hours fall on my shoulders. It’s my duty to explain what has happened and to accept full responsibility.”

“Kathryn…” I pause to collect my thoughts. “You have been back from the dead for less than a day. Nobody outside of this ship knows. At least take the time until we are in communications range again before throwing yourself back into it. You were not put in charge of this ship or this mission. Don’t take it upon yourself out of habit.”

She sighs. “I can’t change who I am. Starfleet has been the sole constant in my life. I chose command, I chose to lead and I chose to take on the attached responsibilities. I won’t hide from them now.” She takes a deep breath. “This is all I know to do.”

“I know you are going to take responsibility even if there is no need to. The events of the past days are not your fault. If anything, you are to thank for our survival. Don’t do this to yourself.”

“But I am to blame. Be it the selfish decision to destroy the warp hub to return, to investigate that cube leading to the assimilation… and today…” Her voice breaks and she pinches the bridge of her nose .

“Hey, stop.” I pull away her had and cradle her to my chest. “One breath, one moment, one day at a time.”

At that she presses her head firmly into my shoulder, inhaling deeply and I just hold her until the tension begins to dissipate from her body.

This is not what I had hoped when she had walked into my quarters. I had no intention to make her contemplate her guilt, but apparently even death can’t take away her stubborn need to carry the universe on her shoulders.  

“I’m not saying you should change who you are because I would never want you to. But you are not alone in this. You are not alone at all. I won’t desert you. I have spent too much time without you to let you go again.”

It is quiet as we both look down at our joined hands resting on my thigh.

“I meant it, you know?” Her voice is soft when she speaks up. “I really am sorry. So very sorry for so many things and I don’t know how to make it better unless I take responsibility for my actions. So many people suffered because of me and my choices. I feel like it will crush me if I stand still. When I saw you today, for the first time, and I knew what you had been through…” She clears her throat and turns towards me. Her eyes shine and I wish there was a way for me to make it better.  

Her gaze is locked on mine. “I look at you and know what I put you through and when I do I can’t care about any of these people. Because I hurt you and that weighs heavier on me than the rest of it. And it makes me feel so guilty that it does.”

I take a long look at her and the sorrow that is etched onto her. How one soul can withstand a load so heavy is beyond my comprehension. 

I raise my hand and one by one remove the pips from my collar. I place them on the table and then do the same to her rank bar. The metallic sound it makes falling onto the glass is a stark contrast to the silence of the room. I place our com badges next to the pips.

“We are equally responsible for each other, equally responsible for this crew, equally responsible for the events that occurred.” She watches me with curiosity and I know this is our chance to define our relationship.

“Our ranks have been part of our lives for much too long. If I am presented with this gift of your return, I am not going to let duty infringe on it. You have depended on no one but yourself long enough.”

She takes a look at our rank insignia and badges on the table and then lifts her eyes to mine again.

“I can’t promise you I’ll always be able to remember that. We will have to see what will happen to me, what Starfleet wants me to do.”

Starfleet. How strange that after all these years of Starfleet being the separation between us it’s apparently still the case. I sigh, realizing that this is a problem to be solved another day.

“Let’s not do this now. I know we will have to find a way to make this work, but we are not going to get there tonight. I am exhausted. Absolutely elated, but exhausted.”

I press my lips to her hair. The familiarity of her scent has returned so quickly. All that time ago at Proxima Station I swore to myself I’d never forget, I’d burn every moment, every nuance into my memory. But this is all new again. All of it. And I can’t wait to see how much more of it I can discover as we settle back into our shared silence.

\---

I am not sure how long we sit together, following our own thoughts, our thighs against each other, my arm around her, hands clasped. My lids have started to feel heavy, the day is catching up to me at last, as my adrenaline seems to have finally run out.

I pull my arm out from behind her and rub my face. “I am not sure about you, but I can’t keep my eyes open any longer.” I get back onto my feet, my body feeling stiff from sitting so long. I look at her and extend my hand. “How do you feel about calling it a night?”

She gives me a look I can’t place but then she allows me to pull her up from the couch.

It takes her a moment before she speaks. “I am…” She pauses and looks up at me, almost shy. “Is it okay if I stay?”

That makes me laugh out loud. “Kathryn, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am not willing to spend more time apart than absolutely necessary anymore."

She looks stunned. “Oh.”

Finally she smiles at me. “Okay.”

We are still holding hands when I lead her to the bedroom.

\---

As I open the dresser to reach for my pajamas she stands aside, watching me. I am suddenly acutely aware that the last and only time we shared a bed there was no need for clothing and I shake my head before the memory can take on sharper forms. I look up from the folded shirt in my hands. “Would you like to replicate something for yourself?”

A shy smile appears on her lips. “Actually… I was hoping not to.”

My face must show my shock pretty obviously because she adds quickly: “Only if it is something you want. I was just thinking about what you said about everything that has been between us and I was thinking how nice it will be for there to be nothing…” Her voice trails off.

I need a moment to collect my thoughts. “Uhm.” Clearly I need another moment.

To give my brain time to process which words to say, I put the clothes back into the drawer. It appears my mind is already made up.

“Okay.”

\---

I’m sitting on my bed, listening to the faint rustling of Kathryn behind the doors of my ‘fresher. My uniform jacket is in my hands. I wonder how she will appear once the doors open and then immediately ask myself if it would be better to think of other things than Kathryn’s state of undress. I am too tired to think clearly no matter what. I need to get a grip.

I take off my shoes and socks and then force myself to stand up to put them away. I hang up my jacket and before I can put too much thought into it I take off the shirt. I am left in my trousers but before I can contemplate if I should take them off as well I hear the doors of the ‘fresher and turn around. Kathryn is standing there, her face free of the day’s remains and her hair loose on her shoulders. She has taken off her jacket and long sleeve shirt, leaving her in the standard tank top. She looks so much like my memories of her that I have to actively remind myself that she is really here.

She steps back into the bedroom and nods to the ‘fresher. “It’s all yours.” Then she looks over to the bed. “Which side should I take?”

I shrug. “It doesn’t matter. Your choice.”

We smile at each other and then I take my leave to get ready for bed.

\---

When I emerge, the vision of Kathryn in my bed almost takes my breath away. Every time I lose sight of her a part of me wonders if she’ll still be there. And when she is it sends a jolt through me. How fortunate can I really be?

She has picked the left side of the bed, the one further from the doorway and has the sheets pulled up to her chin. I wonder if she is really not wearing anything and then instantly chastise myself. 

I tell the computer to turn off the lights and in the near darkness of the stars, I strip down to my underwear, not willing to be too presumptuous.

When I slide under the cool sheets I am automatically drawn to her warmth. She is on her side, turned towards me.

So here we are. Two people who shouldn’t even be alive at this moment, sharing a bed.

And I have no idea what to do with it.

Kathryn finally takes the initiative and carefully moves closer, first her bare leg making contact with mine, then her hand on my arm. And suddenly it seems so easy. Our arms slide in place against each other’s backs and our faces are close enough for me to feel her breath against my cheek.

I move my fingers slowly against her bare back. “Tell me you’ll still be here when I wake up.”

She leans forward and kisses me lightly. Then without hesitation she is suddenly close to me. Her body flush against mine, her face pressed into my chest and she takes a deep breath. “I promise.”

Smiling into her hair, skin against skin, I close my eyes and finally allow the exhaustion to overtake me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First nights are never the way we have imagined them.

I am warm. So warm. I hate these hot summers at home. Why won’t it even cool down at night? I start to shake off the blanket when I sense a slight movement against my chest.

I am struck by the sudden knowledge that there is someone else in my bed.

Almost at the same time I’m flooded with images. Kathryn standing by herself looking sad and defeated. Kathryn telling me she loves me. Kathryn in tears, falling into my arms. Kathryn smiling at me. Kathryn in my bed.

I feel my heart beating heavily and suddenly I’m fully aware of her hot skin pressed against mine, her arm around my back, her legs long and lean entwined with mine, her calm breath against my chest.

I actively work on slowing my breath. She is here, with me. Safe. Alive.

She is also the reason behind the heat that woke me up. I slowly turn onto my back, trying my best not to disturb her. She makes a small sound and settles into my shoulder, her arm flung across my stomach. She exhales deeply, but stays asleep.

My legs reach the cooler side of the bed and my temperature finally normalizes. The steady rise and fall of Kathryn’s chest soothes me until my lids grow heavy again.

\---

A sharp pain in my arm wakes me. The intense tingling makes me wince and after a moment of disorientation I realize Kathryn has not moved from her spot on my chest, but her body on my arm is definitely the cause of my discomfort.

I rub my face. Clearly actually sleeping together will take some adjusting.

Carefully, I lift her arm from across my stomach and move to the side, pulling free the achingly numb limb from underneath her. It causes her to shift and with a sleepy grumble she rolls over and away from me. When the pain finally subsides I turn onto my side, glancing at the wonder that is Kathryn Janeway peacefully asleep in my bed.

The sheets have slid down slightly so that her shoulders and upper back are exposed. I know there are faint freckles on her neck and two birthmarks just below her shoulder blade even if I can’t see them now. I wonder if she has been returned with all of these small marks I mapped out so long ago.  

I want to know if she was brought back whole and complete. I just can’t stand the thought of a single molecule missing from her, being forever lost to me. It is a possessive thought, but when it comes to her, I’ve never been able to avoid feeling this way. Even long before I had any right to do so.

I move carefully to lay against her back and slide my arm around her waist. She tucks it under hers, pressing my hand into her stomach.

Surrounded by the scent of her hair I smile and I close my eyes once more.

\---

Something is wrong. There is tension, small erratic movements against my body.  

My eyes snap open. Kathryn is still in my arms, her back against my chest but her body is rigid, and she is pressing both of her hands against her face. She is taking shallow breaths and I feel her shaking softly.

“Kathryn?” I ask quietly.

She doesn’t react, just continues to shake, still hiding her face, so I slide my hand over hers and carefully pry them away. They are wet with her tears and the confirmation of her agony strikes me like a blow to the gut

“Kathryn. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Maybe it is the accumulation of everything we survived in the past day, maybe it is a dream that woke her. No matter what the cause, holding the woman I love as she is quivering with sobs tears my chest open. I stay exactly where I am, pressing her against me, and let her cry.

Past the lump in my throat I whisper to her that she is safe, that I am not leaving her, that I will be right here with her as long as she needs me to. She holds onto my arms around her and I just let her take the time she needs.

We stay like this for a while. The pillow muffles her sobs until finally they begin to slow, eventually stopping and she becomes still.

I press a kiss to her bare shoulder and carefully extract myself, slipping out of bed. I head into the ‘fresher to get a damp towel and some water. When I come back into the room, she is just how I left her, staring into the distance.

Sitting on the edge of the bed I brush away the damp hair. She closes her eyes at the touch of my fingers, and I use the towel to carefully wipe the tears off her face, hoping the cool moisture will soothe her hot skin.

“Would you like some water?” She nods without opening her eyes.

 “Sit up a little.” I help her up and she takes a few small sips.

“Thank you.” Her voice is raspy. She lays back down but reaches out to clasp my free hand. “I’m sorry. I know I woke you up. I didn’t mean to.”

I couldn’t care less about sleep right now.

“Shh.” I place the glass on the bedside table and turn fully towards her. “Don’t worry about me. Would you like to talk about it?”

She slowly shakes her head.

I wait a moment, just in case she changes her mind. She takes a deep breath, shuddering slightly, then bites her bottom lip before she speaks. “I don’t know how.”

“That’s okay. Just tell me what you need. Anything at all.”

She is quiet for a moment, her fingers stroking my hand. “Just… come back into bed. Please.”

I get up to slide back under the sheets and come up behind her, my arms around her just like we were before, but now her breathing is slow and steady.

I am surprised when she speaks up again. “I shouldn’t be here.”

It takes me a moment to realize she is talking about being alive, not just about being in my bed.

“Maybe not. Maybe I shouldn’t be either. But we both are. Is that what’s on your mind? Survivor’s guilt?”

She is quiet for a moment than sighs. “No. I mean yes, that’s part of it.” Her hands tighten around mine at her midsection. “I’m sorry. I can’t seem to find the right words.”

I kiss the back of her head. “It’s okay. They will come. We will figure them out together. One breath, one moment, one day at a time. Remember?”

She nods but doesn’t say anything.

We just lay together, her back to my chest, bare skin against bare skin until exhaustion catches up to me.

\---

Rolling over, I reach out for her and only find cold sheets. I rub my eyes and look around the room. I can’t see or hear anything so I am instantly worried. After her emotional breakdown earlier I hope she hasn’t decided she’d rather work through it on her own.

Contemplating if we will actually get any rest tonight, I climb out of bed and grab my undershirt against the chill of the room.

I find her on the couch, looking out the window, into the depth of space. She has also put on her shirt but nothing else. Her profile is illuminated by the starlight, highlighting her small nose, high cheekbones, curved lips. 

She is absolutely beautiful.

As I walk up she remains still and I take a seat next to her so we are almost facing each other. My hand comes to rest on her bare thigh. It’s cold to the touch and I wonder how long she has been sitting here.

Her eyes are still fixed on the far away suns, reflecting in her eyes. Then she turns to me. “I’m sorry I woke you up again.”

“I don’t mind.”

She gives me a crooked smile. “You must be tired. Go back to bed.”

“I’ll be fine. How long have you been out here?” I rub my hand along her leg, hoping to warm her up a little.

She shrugs. “I couldn’t go back to sleep.”

I know we will eventually have to talk through everything that occupies her mind but I also know that the middle of the night, without rest and still feeling raw is not the right time for it. So I just sit with her, watching her troubled face.

She pulls her brows together. “I keep thinking about who gets to live and who has to die.” She bows her head. “I wish so many things were different.”

That gives me pause as I wonder just how much she wants to change. We never had a chance to establish what we would be together, how we would carry on and suddenly I worry if we’re on the same path.

She must have noticed my discomfort and places her hand over mine “Never this though.”

I look up and she is searching my eyes and her open honesty is striking. I nod and she places her other hand on my cheek.

“There are many regrets I have, but the only one I have about you is not being together sooner. We lost so much time.” Her voice is sad.

I move against her hand, kissing her palm. “The past is the past. We’re here now.”

The hint of a smile appears at the corners of her lips and I kiss her lightly.

“Come back to bed Kathryn. It’s late, you’re freezing.”

She nods and we get off the couch and walk back to the bedroom together.

Her back is towards me as she takes off her shirt again and I am momentarily struck by how casual she is about being almost entirely nude and then she slides under the sheets and I hurry to follow her example.

She is so cold when our bodies finally touch that I gasp and then Kathryn Janeway, highly decorated Starfleet Admiral, giggles. “I’m so sorry. I should have put on more clothes.”

I mockingly huff into her hair and settle into my pillow. “Don’t you dare.”

With a smile on my lips, I listen as she relaxes into the bedding, her breathing slowing down, making sure she is actually asleep.

\---

When the computer finally announces that it is 0600 hours, I’m exhausted. Physically and emotionally.

As ordered, the computer has raised the lights to twenty percent. I have woken up close to Kathryn, but without touching her. I can’t help but wonder just how long it will take us to sleep quietly through the night. After Proxima Station I used to think about waking up next to her, sharing a bed comfortably. We are certainly not off to a good start.

She is stirring next to me, her hands rubbing her face. If I am exhausted, I am sure she feels even worse.

She finally turns around pushing hair out of eyes that are still a little red and swollen. She is perfect nonetheless.

I rest my hand on her waist, stroking her lightly with my thumb and it makes her smile.

“Good morning.” she finally says.

“Good morning” I echo.

She keeps her eyes on mine as she runs her fingers through my hair. It feels heavenly and makes me sigh. I am sure it will take us a while to get to what can be considered normal but this is a good start.

We’re both smiling as we steal this time before reality catches up to us again, since she is just as aware as I am of the mountain of work awaiting us.

She is still playing with the hair at my nape and it’s so simple. Maybe this is who we can be. Just two people waking up together, bringing each other comfort and support in the quiet morning.

She pulls my head closer and I am more than willing to follow her invitation. Her lips part almost instantly and her tongue slips out teasingly. It sends a jolt through me, pooling warm in my groin. I automatically pull her closer, my hand spanning her back, and I am acutely aware of her bare breasts pressed against me. Our tongues explore each other, no longer timid like last night but sensual and demanding. Her fingers in my hair are holding me in place and she nips at my lips, traces my teeth and when she finally moans into my open mouth, I have to pull back before I lose control.

We’re both breathing heavily, her cheeks are flushed, her pupils dilated and her lips plump and I want her so damn much it hurts. But not when we have to get ready for our shifts, with the day already intruding.

She moves her pelvis against mine, and I am sure she can feel what she is doing to me through the thin layers of our underwear. I am suddenly thankful we are not entirely naked.

I press my forehead against hers. “Kathryn, wait. Please.”

Her hands are firmly placed in my hair and for a split second I wonder just how good it will feel when she pulls at it while… I need to stop right there. Right now.

She moves back a little, and I instantly miss the heat of her against me. Even though it’s for the best.

“I know. Sorry.” She kisses my temple. “I got carried away.”

I want to hug her close but I don’t think that’s the best course of action right now. So I just look at her and keep my hand safely on her back, stroking up and down, making sure to stop at the seam of her panties.

“I want you. But I want you without being rushed. Without our heads already halfway to the bridge. I want to have time together.”

She nods and her hands move from my hair down along my neck and shoulder. She takes my hand and presses it to her lips.

Then she looks up from our fingers and her eyes are soft when they meet mine. “I love you.”

Those three words spoken by her, in my bed, bloom warm in my chest.

“And I love you.”

She kisses me, almost chastely this time.

Then she somewhat abruptly rolls to her side and sits up on the side of her bed. “If I don’t get out of bed now, it’s only going to get harder.”

I refuse to comment on that statement because I’m mesmerized by her bare back on display as she stretches her arms and the muscles dance under her skin.

In a measure of self-preservation I roll onto my back and rub my hands over my face. “Feel free to shower. I will go and get some breakfast ready.”

“Okay.” She pauses for a moment. “Thank you.”

I hear some rustling and refuse to open my eyes until I hear the doors of the ‘fresher open and close again.

Then I finally move out from under the sheets and put my feet on the floor. I look down at my lap, at the evidence of our interrupted actions still on display.

“Get a grip. You’re fifty-two years old, not a damn teenager.”

\---

I put on pajama pants and get breakfast ready. There is coffee for her and tea for me, a bowl of fruit and some toast. Maybe this is not a culinary masterpiece, but I plan to make up for it tonight.  

Her movements in the ‘fresher provide faint background noise and I replicate a new uniform for her as well as standard issue underwear. Setting the pile on the made bed for her feels a little strange but I am sure she wants some new clothes. Before I can ponder her nudity or undergarments much more, I opt to move to the living room to get a head start on my stack of padds.

As I sip my tea and focus on the reports about the remainders of Omega on the long range scans of subspace, I can hear her moving about in the bedroom. When she finally emerges, she is dressed impeccably, her uniform crisp, her hair pulled back up. She stands in the doorway, rubbing her hands on her thighs.

I realize I’m staring and set down my cup and the padd and grab her badge and rank bar from the table before I walk over to her. Then I slowly attach them to her uniform. “You look beautiful.” I run my thumb over her cheek and she smiles at me.

“Thank you. I do feel more like myself. Although I’m sure the coffee will do the rest.”

I chuckle. “Oh I’m sure it will. Feel right at home. I’m going to get ready.”

Before I move past to take my shower I kiss her, just because I can. 

\---

Eating breakfast with Kathryn is a simple affair. We are both focused on the padds in front of us, only reading out noteworthy aspects to each other every now and then.

It is good to see her consuming something more nutritious than coffee as the time before we have to return to duty winds down.

I finish the report from Astrometrics and place the padd back on the table.

Kathryn is still intensely focused on her reading, her eyes darting over the data, taking sips from her cup every now and then. It feels beautifully domestic.

I clear my throat and she looks up at me. “Yes?”

“I think we should make some plans for the day.”

She puts the padd on the table. “Yes, I suppose so. We also can’t walk out of your quarters together. I’m sure there would be talk.”

Part of me just wants to tell her that I don’t give a damn, but I understand her concerns. One step at a time.

“We should also find you some quarters. I am not sure how quickly we can clear up the fleet commander ones …”

She waves her hand at the notion. “I just need a place to… well, I would say to keep my belongings but I suppose I no longer have any…” She tries to cover the sadness in her eyes by smiling, but it doesn’t work.

I reach across the table and take her hand. “As I said, what’s mine is yours. Replicate anything else you need. I will also talk to Tom and see what resources we still have.”

She squeezes my fingers before she lets go. “Thank you. I think I need a little bit of space to myself.”

“Will you be spending the nights there?” I want to sound casual, but I know I fail.

“Well, I was hoping not to.”

The smile that spreads on my face must be ridiculous because she suddenly laughs. “I may not be ready to make a fleet-wide announcement but I want to spend time with you.” She pauses then adds “If you feel the same.”

This woman can be so ridiculous. I step around the table, place my hands on her cheeks and kiss her fully on the lips. Keeping my face close to hers I say “If I could, I would spend every single moment with you.”

She smiles up at me. “Good.”

We clean up together and then with one last kiss on my cheek she heads out the door, not before making sure there is nobody in the corridor.

I am left behind and for a short moment just stare at the doors that have closed behind her. Then I shake my head and give my home a last once-over. Everything is in place and looks exactly like it always does. Almost like the past twenty-four hours never happened.

My eyes land on our two cups on the table, hers next to mine. Standard issue, with nothing special about them.

And I know everything is different.

With that thought on my mind and a lightness in my step I haven’t felt in over a year, or possibly ever, I head out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ariella884, one day we'll get to the promised smut. I swear. ;)  
> A huge thank you to Helen8462 for pushing me to be better.  
> And Klugtiger, you have been one hell of a supporter. This story is basically co-written by you at this point. ;) 
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos so far, it's all very much appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How do we get from there to here?

Throughout the morning I don’t see Kathryn at all. I know that she spends a good amount of time in Engineering and Astrometrics, while I am kept busy by stacks of padds. I have a small chat with Tom, discussing the option for Kathryn’s quarters and he graciously ignores any implications as to where she spent last night, which I appreciate.

For lunch I make my way down to the mess hall. This place has certainly lost a lot of its charm since Neelix departed, but I still enjoy seeing my crew in here. ‘Admiral Janeway’ comes up every now and then, and hearing her name as part of the usual chatter brings a smile to my lips, especially now that I have fresh memories of her.

“Care if I join you?” Tom interrupts my train of thought, but doesn’t actually wait for my reply before he puts down his tray. 

“Do I have a choice?” I tease, but I am actually glad for the company. Being the captain has brought with it a certain distance, especially to those of the crew who were not with us on our original journey. It has definitely given me a new appreciation of Tom and our well-established friendship.

“So, Commander, got anything to report?”

He stirs his tomato soup. “Yes, that I have no idea why I still hold out hope for decent replicator food. I never thought I’d wish for a Leola root.”

That makes me chuckle. “Well, I am sure we can organize an away mission to procure some, if you want.”

“Don’t tempt me. A simple restocking run sounds nice though, doesn’t it?”

When he glances up at me, his reddened eyes strike me. If he looks so tired, I’d hate to think what I look like.

“Nice and simple sure sounds good.” I sigh before I change the subject to a more dire yet pressing topic. “How are the plans for the memorial service coming along?”

And just like that we fall into conversation about what he and Harry need to organize for the service and other ship’s affairs, which range from the current duty roster complications to issues with the plasma manifolds.

Just as we are both scraping the last drops of soup from our bowls, Kathryn and B’Elanna enter the mess hall. They are so focused on their lively discussion that they don’t even notice us and so they find a seat on the other side of the room. Kathryn looks striking as always. She exudes confidence and strength, from her straight posture to the radiance of her smile. Her hair is pulled back, exposing her elegant neck and as she leans over the table, gesturing between bites of her lunch, her cheeks are flushed. Even from across the room I see the spark in her eyes.

I am so focused on her that I finally have to shake my head to bring my attention back to Tom. With a smile I see he is clearly just as enthralled by B’Elanna as I have been with Kathryn. We must have been quite the view, the command team of Voyager longingly staring from a distance like love-sick teenagers.

He takes a deep breath before he turns his head toward me again, a smile on his lips.

Some sentiments are so clear, they don’t require words.

\---

At the end of my shift I take a detour to check up on Kathryn in her new quarters. As I ring the door chime, I twist the pink rose between my fingers.

The doors open and of course Kathryn is working at the small utilitarian desk, a cup to her right. She has taken off her belt, unzipped her jacket and is completely focused on whatever is on the screen.

Some things never change.

“Sorry, to interrupt you.”

At that she looks up and her features relax instantly, a smile appearing on her lips. “No, you’re always welcome.” She takes another look at her screen. “Oh. I had no idea it was so late already.”

I sit down opposite her and place the rose on the table. “I thought this room probably needed some brightening up.”

“Thank you.” She takes the rose, brings i to hr nose, and instead of setting it back down, twirls it between her fingers, looking at the petals, lost in thought.

“What are you working on? I saw you with B’Elanna in the mess hall earlier, you seemed pretty focused.”

“Oh. I’m sorry I missed you. We were discussing possible changes to the plasma relays and then we just got carried away.” She places the rose back on her desk, reclines in her chair and rubs her face.

“I’m trying to write a letter to my mother and Phoebe.”

“Ah. I see.”

She pulls up her legs and presses the heels of her hands against her eyes as she continues to speak. “This is the second time I’m returning from the dead for them. But it’s so different if you’ve actually _been_ dead. I keep starting over again and I just have no idea what to say.”

Finally her hands fall into her lap and she gives me an exhausted look.

Even though I haven’t lived through her dilemma, it is still easy enough for me to understand. I know all too well what her family went through in losing her a second time. I’m also sure that my reaction yesterday didn’t make any of this easier for her.  

“Have you talked to Counsellor Cambridge?”

Instead of a reply I get a raised eyebrow and it makes me chuckle. “Give him a chance. He may surprise you.”

She sighs deeply and raises her hands in defeat. “Fine, I’ll make an appointment with him first thing in the morning.”

“Good. You know, he may not seem like it at first glance, but he is very good at what he does. He has done great work with a good many of us.”

She ponders that for a moment. “Have you seen him in his professional capacity?”

I nod. “And he is largely responsible for why I am here right now.”

Our eyes find each other and I wonder what she is looking for until she finally nods. “Then I will give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“We won’t be back in communications range with Starfleet until about 1600 hours.” I give her a smile. “So we do have some time on our hands.”

Now it is her turn to chuckle. “More than this morning?”

Good to know the reference isn’t lost on her. I give her a broad smile. “Yes. And I was hoping you’d like to spend some of that time in my quarters.”

That earns me another raised eyebrow. “Did you now?”

“Well, even _you_ have to stop working at some point, and I could offer some dinner. Any idea when you can join me?”

Her brows draw together as she looks at the screen and then back at me. “Another thirty minutes? Is that okay?”

I get up and walk around to her, leaning down and when I speak my voice is more hushed than I anticipated. “Will you spend the night?”

Her tongue darts out and I can’t help but be mesmerized by her lips. When she lightly presses them against mine they are soft and sweet and full of promise.

\---

She arrives forty minutes later when I have just lit the last of the candles. She walks in with a smile on her lips and a bottle of wine in her hands and I’m struck by a sense of déjà vu, taking me back to a hundred shared dinners. She walks right over and places the bottle on the table to open it.

“I’m afraid I can only offer the replicated stuff, but I plan on improving that in the future.” She fills both of our glasses and then takes a seat. Her ease warms my heart.

“It will go well with the replicated dinner and the promise that I plan to improve on that as well.”

“I will gladly drink to that future.” Our glasses cling together at what seems to be the perfect toast for tonight.

When I place the risotto in front of her, she inhales some of the steam and hums appreciatively before taking a bite. “I had no idea how hungry I was. And this is delicious, although I am looking forward to the freshly made version.”

Fond memories of Kathryn in my kitchen back home flood my mind. Of her keeping me company as I chop vegetables, of letting her taste what’s in the pots. Always with a hint of flirtation, yet never crossing the line. Hopefully we will get a chance to make many new memories of us crossing all those lines. Maybe even in a shared home. That thought brings a smile to my lips.

We eat in comfortable silence for a little while. Our ankles touch under the table and one of her calves rubs along mine lightly as a reminder that unlike our previous dinners aboard _Voyager_ , this one will not conclude with us in separate quarters.

Our ease is fleeting, however, as eventually her eyes focus more and more on her plate, despite the fact that she is taking fewer bites. She blankly stares at a few peas, pushing them back and forth, her brow furrowed. As if the weight of the universe is pressed upon her shoulders, she is slowly sinking lower into her chair.

It is not fair that this woman is forced to endure so much, that she isn’t able to share the load, not even with me. God knows I’ve tried over the years.  

She adjusts her position and draws her legs back and the loss of contact serves as another reminder that we still have a long way to go in our recovery. My thoughts take me back to the emotional turmoil of the past 30 hours. The shock and relief and pain and comfort. The feel of her shaking body against mine and her hot tears are burned into my heart. The feel of her soft lips, her warm skin. It is certainly a weighty combination.

 I place my napkin on the plate and lean forward.

“Kathryn?”

She looks up and gives me a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “Sorry, I was lost in thought.”

“I could tell.”

We share a look across the table. “What happened on the bridge yesterday? What happened to you? Before Q brought me back.”

She takes a deep breath and I wait as she bows her head, clearly collecting her thoughts. Finally she looks back up at me with sad eyes.

“I watched Q lose his child. He was so angry with me, Chakotay. I think he understood why it had to happen but seeing all that pain and hatred in him...” Her voice trails off and she rubs her hand across her forehead.

“I thought he would kill me. And I didn’t mind.”

Her words hang heavily between us and the knots in my stomach want me to hug her tight, to tell her it will all be alright, but instead I bite my tongue.

“Before you left you told me losing me was the worst thing that ever happened to you, but that you were certain I would be fine.”

At that I have to stop her. “I said you’d survive.”

Her eyes glisten and the sight tightens a rope around my chest, making it difficult to breathe.

“Chakotay… on that bridge… I didn’t want to survive. I would have gladly died.”

I just can’t take how forlorn she looks. So I get up and walk around to kneel in front of her, my hands reaching for hers, covering both of them and I look into her eyes.

“I know what that’s like and I wish I had never put you through it.”

“But you did. You still left on that shuttle.” Her voice is strained, maybe even a little accusing and she probably has every right to be.

“If I had seen any other way...” I raise a hand and cup her cheek. “But we are both here now. I don’t understand why we should be so lucky, but now we get a chance to heal together. You and me. One breath, one moment, one day at a time.”

I am taken aback by the immediate tension that runs through her at my words, her fingers clenching under mine.

She takes a deep breath before she speaks up with a shaky voice. “That’s what went through my head. On the bridge when…” Her voice breaks and it takes her a moment to collect herself. “When I was alone. I wanted to follow your advice but you were wrong. I couldn’t have kept going. Not without you.”

I am such an idiot. I have been saying those words to offer her support, to tell her she would be fine and instead I have taken her right back to that pain every time. So before I know it, I’m standing and pulling her close. Her arms wrap around me as I stroke her hair, my other hand splayed across her tense back.

I bury my face in her hair when I whisper my apology. “I am so sorry. I had no idea. Why didn’t you say something?”

She shrugs slightly against me and I draw small circles on her back, just wanting her to feel safe, to show her how much I regret causing her discomfort.

Finally I feel her relax, her muscles softening. We hold each other for another moment, offering comfort and reassurance. I breathe in her scent, commit to memory the feel of her soft hair on my cheek, how perfectly her body is molded against mine. When she speaks up, her voice is muffled against my chest. “I didn’t want to talk about it. I still don’t.”

She takes a step back, just far enough for us to look at each other, her arms around my neck and mine at her waist.

There is a light smile on her lips and a glint in her eyes. “I don’t want to be in that moment anymore. I want to be here with you.” Her fingers move through the hair at my nape, nails caressing my scalp. “I want to share my life with you, I want to discover who we can be together.”

She bites her lips then looks up at me. “I want _you_.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me ages to finish this chapter and I'm eternally grateful to Helen for kicking my butt to make it better and to my soulmate Klugtiger for her usual in-depth betaing and the numerous counselling sessions. Thank you two so much! 
> 
> In case you missed the hint, the next chapter will have a higher rating. If you're not into that sort of thing, feel free to stop here :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seduction   
>  _The more buttons you undo, s_ he said  
>  _the faster I become undone. ___  
> -Michael Faudet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is rated E. Please be aware.

  
Her fingers are firm around mine as she leads me to the bedroom and her determination sends sparks of arousal through me. When we stop at the foot of my bed, we turn towards each other and for a second I am afraid things will be awkward, that this side of us needs to be re-learned.

But then our lips meet and all my concerns dissipate as the ease of being together replaces them. Because in the end we are utterly familiar, intimately aware of one another and have lived through so much by each other’s side, it suddenly seems only natural that we would fall into the role of lovers just as comfortably.

Unlike last time, I manage to undo her belt on my first try and she smiles against my lips, her fingers already holding the zipper at my chest. Then our jackets fall away, and after I pull both shirts over her head at once, she smiles at me broadly, her radiant face framed by lose tendrils of hair, lips parted.

And I am completely stunned.

She bites her lip, looks at the floor and back up at me and suddenly seems uncertain, her arms coming up around her midsection.

I shake off the stupor and cup her face between my hands, thumbs stroking her cheeks. “You’re so beautiful.”

And then we are kissing again, lips and tongues caressing each other, slow and sensual. When I pull the pins out of her hair, the waves fall onto her shoulders and I run my fingers through them. I vaguely sense her pulling at my shirt and then her warm touch glides up my stomach, across my back and she lifts the fabric over my head, stopping our kiss for just a moment. It seems too long and when the garment is discarded our mouths clash together greedily.

I trace the top of her pants, sending goosebumps up over her stomach, and her body’s reaction lets heat pool in my groin. Her body is so responsive and I need to see all of her, no more obstructions. I gently maneuver her towards the bed and push her pants over her hips before she sits down. As I stand between her legs, she trails her lips across my abdomen, spreading kisses over my tensing muscles. Her warm palms run up the back of my thighs and when her determined fingers reach my behind, she hums against my skin, causing me to groan.

The sultry grin on her lips when she looks up takes my breath away and I bow down, kissing her before I kneel at her feet and my lips continue their way down, along her jaw and neck, breathing her in. My hands make quick work of boots, socks and finally her pants until she is as last in nothing but her simple black underwear.

My hands run up her smooth legs and I try to commit every dip of her bones and muscles to memory. When my eyes find hers again, they are dark and she pulls me close between her spread legs, both hands on my face and I struggle to comply when she drags me onto the bed, both of us scrambling to keep as much contact as possible, kissing, nipping, licking.  

My erection rubs against her and her hips deliciously press up against mine but there is still too much fabric between us.

Her fingers make easy work of the closure of my pants and then she pushes them over my hips and I move quickly to get them off along with my socks and boots and in my hurry of course it all gets tangled and I curse. She answers with a giggle, carefree and full of life.

Once I am rid of the twisted mess of uniform and boots, I trail kisses up her legs, down the inside of her thighs and then she moans as my nose nudges her center. With a rise of my male ego I discover that her panties are soaked already and finally I get to taste her, even if it is just teasingly through a rough layer of cotton, leaving me desperate for her slick folds underneath. Nevertheless she yelps when I put my mouth on her, her juices bursting against my tongue. She raises her hips against my face, scrapes her fingers over my scalp and I am eager to fulfill her demands.

She writhes and moans and my hands glide under her, finally tugging down her panties. I slide them off her legs, rushed because I need to feel her, taste her without obstruction and then I am pressing my mouth against her hot flesh and she groans. My tongue dips in, and I explore her with broad strokes. She pulls one of my hands up to her breasts, her fingers guiding mine, rubbing and squeezing through her bra.

Urged on by her escalating moans, her tensing muscles and the gushing against my tongue, I increase my pace, suck on her clit and then with a raspy voice she demands “please, more.” One finger slides into her easily and her muscles pull on it, making me moan against her clit as I think about how she will feel around my cock.

My finger pumps in a steady rhythm, in tune with my lips and tongue caressing her and she tenses, hips rising off the bed and when I push in a second finger she climaxes with a throaty scream.

Before I can feel too smug about my success, she is pulling at me, dragging me up against her body and then her tongue slips into my mouth, our moans mingling. Her hands are everywhere, scraping at my back, digging into my ass, puling at my hair and then one is inside my briefs and when her fingers wrap around me, firm and certain, it takes all of my slipping cognitive function not to come right then and there.

She kisses along my jaw, wet and hot and then her tongue trails over my ear. “I need you. Please.” And as if I require any more motivation, she cups my balls, gently rolling them in her hand.

My underwear is kicked off the bed as quickly as possible and when I am back over her and position myself at her entrance the universe around us comes to a halt.  

All my senses are suddenly hyper-attuned to the moment, feeling her hot moisture against the tip of my cock, smelling her arousal, seeing her darkened eyes intensely focused on me, hearing her heavy breathing as I am still tasting her on my lips.

With a slow, careful stroke I push into her, focusing on her features, pausing at the twitch of her brow and moving forward when she nods in encouragement. And then finally, I am fully inside her, my hips pressing against hers, her fingers digging into my back, and I have no idea how I ever managed to live without her.

Our pace starts slow, letting me feel every inch of her slick heat as I pull out almost entirely before sliding in again. Her brows are drawn together and I wonder if she is hurting but before I can continue that thought her legs wrap around my hips and pull me against her.

Being engulfed by her tight core makes me moan loudly, the moment being about so much more than sex or even passion. Because right now there is no universe beyond this bed, no heartache, no guilt.  

We kiss, slower than moments before, languid yet passionately. Then her lips move down my jaw, onto my neck and she sucks on my sensitive skin, biting lightly and in combination with her nails drawing over my back I speed up my movements, pushing harder, rougher, no longer able to hold back. She spurs me on, moans and sighs and my movements become frantic, driving myself deeply into her hot, slick heat again and again until with a final, hard thrust, a strangled moan and lights bursting behind my eyes I empty myself inside of her.

When the world comes back to me, her hands run over my back, soothing and gentle and she is smiling up at me, her face so unguarded and loving that a warm sense of happiness settles deep inside of me. I’m still breathing heavily, my arms are strained and I press a soft kiss against her lips.

She pulls me against her and I scoot down a little, hissing as we part. My head resting against her chest, her legs lightly wrapped around mine, our breathing slows. She is stroking my hair, soft and gently and for the first time since Proxima Station I am completely at peace.

\----------

Eventually she gives me a light pat on the shoulder and I move to settle next to her, so we are facing each other on our sides, blissfully comfortable in our nudity. The nudity that in her case, is disturbed by the black bra she is still wearing.

This feels so light, so easy, just being together, her face relaxed, without tears, so far removed from the worries that have been playing over her features since she came back.  

She runs her fingers through my hair. “This was definitely worth the wait.”

I chuckle in reply. “Glad you think so.” This earns me a raised eyebrow before I lean in and kiss her lightly. I roll onto my back and she easily slides in along my side with the comfort of old lovers.

For a moment we are just quietly resting together and I focus on the realty I now live in. I am acutely aware of her foot running up and down my shin, the firm muscles of her back under my hand, her softness pressed along my torso, the roughness of her bra in contrast to her silky skin, her head against my shoulder.

Her fingers are moving along my chest, drawing light patterns. When they trace the scar on my shoulder they stop and she props herself up, studying the raised line of my skin. Her brow furrows. “This is new. What happened?”

“Nothing heroic. Just a sharp branch.”

Her questioning eyes find mine. “Why was there no dermal regenerator?”

I am taken back to the months after her death, to nights spent with a bottle, to rash decisions and being choked by anger. I think of catharsis, of living alone, unwilling to see anyone. I think of hunting for food and cold nights and a stranger greeting me in my reflection.

But I also think about healing. So I take a deep breath and choose my next words carefully. No need to burden her with things I have learned to leave behind.

"Earlier this year I spent three months on Orcas Island by myself, trying to get away from the world. So any wounds I acquired had to heal on their own. It was a valuable lesson.” I intentionally don’t mention what led to my time in the wilderness. With our bare legs entwined under the sheets it doesn’t matter anymore.

She doesn’t reply, but sits up a little and her eyes move back to her fingers, which have moved on to the ragged mark just under my ribs. She traces it carefully, a sad look in her eyes.

“Another branch?”

I shake my head. “Blacktail deer.”

She places her hand on my stomach, covering the scar and the warmth seeps through me when she looks back up at me.

“You are different.”

“Does is bother you?”

“I just wonder how much of you I’ve missed.” She licks her lips and seems to contemplate her next words. “The Doctor mentioned that after my death you resigned from the fleet, that you didn’t want to command _Voyager._ He warned me yesterday before we saw each other that my return might be difficult for you to cope with.”

She is regarding me with caution, obviously afraid to push me too far and I am deeply thankful for all the clarity my time with Hugh has provided. I focus on her skin against me, her warmth along my side, her leg resting comfortably on mine.

There is no more anger left, no more contempt. Not when being here together has filled me with such serenity.

I place a hand over hers, stroking her with my thumb. “Losing you impacted me much more severely than I think anyone expected. I am very glad you were not here to see me like that. It took time and professional help to deal with my grief. Seeing you yesterday was a shock and I am sorry I made it so hard on you.”

Emotions flicker across her face, compassion and guilt and sadness and I guide her hand to my lips, kissing her fingers lightly.

“Kathryn, these scars, they’re remnants of the past. They are part of me now but they don’t determine my path. Without the past we couldn’t have this present. And I would not trade this right here,” I squeeze her fingers for emphasis, “for anything in the universe.”

Without a word, she leans over me and places her lips on the scar at my shoulder. Light kisses are traced over my skin, mapping along the damages. She shifts and suddenly she is above me, her body shielding me from the world, her hair trailing along my torso and I feel life returning to my manhood.

Her kisses move lower until she is between my thighs and then with a lascivious look she takes my member in her very hot mouth and I have to ball my hands into fists to stop myself from thrusting up. She sucks and hums, working her tongue and I am hard again in almost no time.

One of her hands is wrapped around the base, moving in unison with her mouth bopping up and down slowly. Her tongue circles the tip on her way up and when she moves her head back down she takes me in a little deeper each time. Despite the measured pace I feel the pressure building once more and as tempting as it is to finish to the sight of my cock glistening with saliva moving in and out of her delicious mouth I push at her shoulders, and she reluctantly releases me with an audibly wet pop.

I pull her up and onto her back before I kiss her roughly while her hands roam first my back but then quickly find their way down to my ass, squeezing the muscles.

 “You know,” I mumble in between kisses and slide one dark strap off her shoulder, “I haven’t even fully undressed you yet.” My lips follow the line of my fingers and she presses her chest upward suggestively.

The second strap goes the way of the first and then she lifts just enough for me to unhook the obstructive garment behind her back and finally I can slide it off and toss it over my shoulder.

I take a long moment to look at her truly magnificent breasts, her pink nipples hardening quickly as I run my thumb over them. She sighs, stretching her arms above her head and I lean over her, sucking one tight bud between my lips, while I roll the other between my thumb and index finger. I bite gently and when she moans loudly I increase the pressure of my teeth, slightly pulling on her flesh. She writhes under my mouth and hand and I switch sides, wanting to truly appreciate her body to the fullest extent.

I am achingly hard against her hip that is rhythmically pressing against me, clearly demanding attention. I could never deny her pleasure, so my hand trails down to the apex of her thighs. I rub one finger lightly along the swollen flesh, coated in our shared juices and she moans loudly and shifts until her back is flush against my chest, her ass pressed against my groin.

She is absolutely mesmerizing. Her eyes are closed, cheeks rosy and her plump lips parted. As she tilts her head back, one hand finds its way into my hair, pulling on it. She grinds further against me, then back into my fingers between her folds.

The curve of her body highlights her soft, full breasts, nipples firm and glistening with my saliva,  below that the subtle bumps of her ribs, her slender waist, the outline of her hip bone underneath her stretched skin and the slight rounding of her stomach. Her body reflecting everything I love about her. From her ferocity and sharp lines to her feminine softness, her strength and determination to the surrender she offers me. My heart pounds heavy against my chest, not just with desire, but with the complexity of emotions I feel for this woman who is finally back in my life.  

Her leg slides over mine, opening her up further, urging me on and I slide another finger inside her wetness. She is stretched along me, taut muscles and sinews, her hips moving rhythmically and I run my tongue along her slender neck, kissing her tender skin, desperate to feel as much of her as possible.

“Please…” her voice is a strained whisper, “please let me feel you.” And then her hand slides out of my hair to land on my thigh where it moves up to my behind, squeezing my already straining muscles.

I slip my fingers from her moisture, causing first a small whimper and then a hiss when the tip of my erection comes in contact with her hot core. At our angle, I can’t slide in very deep so I keep stimulating her with my hand. She is spread around me, not providing enough friction for me to finish but causing her legs to shake. A barely intelligible litany of “yes” and “please” spurs me on, needing her to climax, to feel her release again.

Then her muscles tense and with twitching legs and a wail she flies apart. Her clenching muscles send sparks down my shaft. I have never wanted anyone so much in my life, have never seen anything as beautiful as Kathryn climaxing in my arms.

I slow my fingers and she is looking over her shoulder at me, from a sea of tousled hair. Her breath is still unsteady and her eyes are so very dark, reflecting all the need I feel for her.

Without breaking eye contact she guides my fingers from her core up to her lips. Her tongue darts out and after a slow lick up my moist digits she takes them into her mouth, humming in the back of her throat as she sucks her own juices from them. The sight is almost enough for me to come undone.

Then she moves slightly, angling her hips so I slide in deeper, causing us both to groan at the sensation.

Our coupling this time is slow, sweet, I hold her close to me as I thrust into her. My hand trails down from between her lips, onto her breast. As I pump my cock into her pulsing heat, I squeeze her flesh, tease her nipples and am rewarded with light spasms rippling through her, her inner muscles milking me until I tumble over the precipice once more.

Blissfully spent, we remain curled together, fingers entwined and my nose nuzzled into her hair, engulfed by the essence of what is Kathryn. When the chill of the room starts to creep over us, we slip under the covers and she easily rests her head on my chest and I am suddenly overwhelmed with the knowledge that this is our life now. A life in which we can be so comfortable around each other, and suddenly I am content that the rest will fall into place just as easily.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long time ago, Ariella884 asked for some Eternal Tide smut. Then things kinda got out of control and so here we finally are. Sorry it took this long. ;) 
> 
> A huge "THANK YOU" to klugtiger and Helen85462 who put in so many hours betaing and brainstorming with me. You two are amazing. <3
> 
> Another big thank you who everyone who has left comments, given kudos, or commented/reblogged on tumblr. You guys have given me the necessary push to keep writing this. I appreciate all of it so much!


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